No One Wants a Broken Son…

So I told my mum.

I took my mum to a coffee shop for drinks and cake. We small taked for maybe 15 minutes. Then I said. “Mum, I think I have aspergers. I think I have always been different. I am awkward, socially inept, anxious, have problems with loud noises, etc etc. I really think I am different and I wanted you to know.”

She replied crossly. “No you haven’t. No you aren’t. Shall we go..?”

No one wants a broken son.

The ‘hate me’ Paradox…

Since I spend most of my time in my head I have the tendency to over think things (what really?), and because I am hopeless at reading people’s emotional state to any degree of accuracy, I find it almost impossible to not assume people don’t like me (really, THREE negatives?!?).

In my head the evidence is thus:

  • I have Asperger’s, ergo
  • I am odd.
  • Because I am odd I have very few friends.
  • Because I have very few friends I find social engagements both awkward and stressful.
  • Because I am visibly stressed people do not approach me to talk to me.
  • Because people don’t talk to me I assume I am not liked.
  • People hate me.
  • I am hated by people so why should I try and befriend them?

Now as a person of intelligence (IQ 136) I should be able to see through this circular argument very easily. But I can’t.

Welcome to my world, people…

 

Est Sularus Oth Mithas…

..My Honour is My Life.

One thing that I can’t grasp in the world is that most people are not honourable. Most people do not say what they mean or mean what they say. Or at least that is what I guess since people will say one thing to me and another to someone else about me.

It probably won’t surprise you to hear that I am a Health & Safety Manager. My job  is to ensure the Health, Safety, and Wellbeing of the group of companies I work for. My character traits lend well to this since I am logical, methodical, thorough, think out of the box, and Honourable. 

But most people aren’t, are they? I get asked questions all the time, people ask me about what they can do, what they can’t do, the specifics of a particular protocol, or just what is happening in the company or where I’m headed next after their site visit.

And I tell them. Everything. The truth (except where I know something in confidence).

Then, so I am told, people will feed me rubbish. Be nice to my face and then talk trash about me when I am gone. Tell me what they think I want to hear and then do what they like when I am gone.

I am not naive, I know that people can’t always agree with what I say and are capable being polite to people they don’t like (actually I find that incredibly difficult), but to use my honesty for their own advancement and by luring me to talking about things that they then use to warn others or deceive is not a nice, Honourable, thing to do.

What can’t people just be Honourable? Say what they mean in a polite way, and compromise on issues until everything is sorted out to everyone’s satisfaction?

I am Honourable. I am Honest. I have Integrity.

I pride myself that I am a good person, that tells the truth, that stands by my values, that treats people fairly, that is selfless, thoughtful, kind, chivalrous, warm, gentle, honest and Honourable

I really live by ‘Est Sularus Oth Mithas’

Looking Out, Looking In.

Most days when consciousness returns I find that I instinctively look out. I see my room, my wife and on good days my children. I see the sun, the trees, the traffic going past my window.

But that doesn’t last long. Just a few seconds, maybe a minute. Then my mind turns in. And that is where I spend the rest of my day. Looking inwards to a rulebook no one else can see, with rules everyone else can’t read.

The sad thing is, these are the rules that everyone else knows without a rulebook.